An Expat Psychologist’s Guide to Building a New Home in the Netherlands

After working with many expats and reflecting on my own journey, I can say that moving to a new country can be experienced as a storm. Everything you once knew changes. From the store you usually went to, to friends and family, and even to you.

At first, everything in the new country feels different. Over time, it slowly gets to you, gradually changing you. That’s when the real challenge begins. You can either fully accept the changes and become what the new context shapes you into. You can totally resist the changes and never adapt. Or you can embrace the changes while integrating them into your own identity.

In the first case, total adaptation might feel easiest for a few months or even years. You may feel like you belong, as though everything is made for you. However, over time you may experience a loss of identity, a disconnection from who you are and who you were, along with distress about finding your way back. The sense of home and belonging can eventually be replaced by a desperation to rediscover yourself within that “picture-perfect” life.

In the second case, you resist the culture, the environment, and the people. You may start to resent everything around you, unconsciously blaming it for stealing your sense of home and belonging. You might stay only until you achieve certain goals and then move elsewhere, or remain while living with ongoing feelings of uneasiness and hostility. Either way, the problems do not disappear. They grow over time. A part of your life will always feel out of place, like a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit. And you may not know what it is, where it comes from, or how to resolve it.

In the third case, you view the country as it is: a new place with its own culture and environment. You recognize that you don’t need to completely change yourself to fit in, nor do you need to change the country to suit you. Instead, you find your own way within it. Easier said than done, of course. But how exactly can you do that without feeling like you’re losing a part of yourself?

The Psychology of Belonging Abroad

At its core, moving abroad is not only about logistics. It is about identity, belonging, and stability. Psychological research shows that our sense of home is deeply tied to emotional safety, predictability, and connection (Bowlby, 1988). Relocation disrupts these anchors, often leaving expats feeling adrift.

Expats often face:

• Loss of identity: No longer defined by familiar roles, communities, or routines

• Isolation: Feeling disconnected, especially when language and cultural barriers make forming relationships harder

• Chronic stress: Daily tasks such as shopping, healthcare, or paperwork require extra effort

• Relationship shifts: Partnerships and friendships are tested in new environments

• Inner conflict: A pull between wanting to belong and wanting to hold onto who you are

Understanding these challenges is the first step. The next is learning how to navigate them without losing yourself.

Finding Your Balance Abroad

Through my work with expats and my personal experience, I’ve learned that balance comes from small, intentional steps. At times, these steps may feel draining, confusing, or frustrating. But the key to rediscovering yourself is patience.

You didn’t immediately know who you were after being born. It took years of exploration, mistakes, and new experiences to shape your identity. Moving abroad can feel similar. This time, however, you already know parts of yourself. You simply need to place them into a new context while making space for undiscovered parts to emerge.

Anchor Yourself with Routines

Familiar rituals create islands of stability. Choose something that reminds you of home. It could be baking a cake on Sundays or doing something creative on Saturday evenings.

Allow Your Emotions Space

It’s normal to feel grief, frustration, or anger. These emotions are signals, not weaknesses. When acknowledged, they lose their silent power. Journaling can help. Write or draw whatever you feel. Give your emotions shape and words.

Redefine Connection

Friendships abroad may take time, but even small interactions at work, in a café, or with neighbors can create a feeling of belonging. Be open to new forms of connection, rather than expecting them to look exactly like what you had back home. Try joining a local running club, book club, or volunteering association. Connecting with fellow expats can also help normalize your experiences.

Balance Adaptation with Authenticity

Adapting doesn’t mean erasing yourself. Let the new culture enrich you while holding onto your values and traditions. Think of it not as replacing parts of yourself but as adding new ones. A new hobby, new friends, or new favorite activities can become part of you.

Final Thoughts: Mental Health Support for Expats

Building a new home abroad isn’t just about adapting to your surroundings. It’s about finding your place within them, without losing your identity.

If you feel overwhelmed, stuck, or disconnected, remember that these are not signs of weakness. They are natural responses to profound change. With the right support, they can even become opportunities for growth.

As both an expat and an integrative psychotherapist, I know this storm from the inside. I know it brings uncertainty, insecurities, and doubts. It may feel like it will never pass. But the only way forward is through, isn’t it?